Worst Movies Ever Blogfest -or- ROGUE'S LIST-O-CRAP

The idea for this wonderful "blogfest" comes from my cyber-friend, the noted Sci-Fi author Alex J. Cavanaugh (http://alexjcavanaugh.blogspot.com/ ) Be sure to surf over to his blog for his list and more info! Thanks Alex.

Before I give you my list of the 10 WORST MOVIES I've ever seen (below), let me first of all tell you that it's not your standard IMDb list or Wikipedia's Worst 100. I've thought about this question. Many of the "gimmes" that almost everybody would naturally come up with are not on my list. First of all, I didn't see them. Secondly, for me, to just pick the "usual" crap would be too easy-- like "shooting fish in a barrel."

Obviously this is all subjective, which is what makes it fun! So the following movies are NOT on my list, but make no mistake, they are all no-doubt more than deserving: Fearless Frank, Ishtar, Heaven's Gate, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Glitter, Howard the Duck, Cat Woman, Freddy Got Fingered, Showgirls, and anything starring Rob Schneider. All crap.

I also am not including some beloved films that simply had no budget and never had any aspirations to be anything but crap (a lot of the Grade Z sci-fi flicks from the 50s). So, I love 'em like a "crazy uncle up in the attic" : Anything by Ed Wood, Beast of Yucca Flats, The Giant Gilla Monster, and Santa Claus vs. the Martians. and etc. and etc.

This list is in ascending order (I think that's right?) from my 10th worst flick all the way to the champion piece of crap: The # 1 worst movie that Rogue Evolent has ever seen. My comments may be cursory. Remembering these moments of wasted life are indeed painful. Also, some of these movies have (obviously) never been seen again since I first was subjected to their feculent cinema stench.


NUMBER 10) NASTY HABBITS (1977)
What's amazing is that piece-o-crap had a strong and competent cast. Glenda Jackson is a wonderful actress and Mercouri, Page and Dennis are also accomplished actors. There's even roles for the usually always fun Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. The movie moves as slow as a "view-master" disk of Death Valley high-lights. The acting (again, astonishing--considering) is wooden and very pained. It's supposed to be a comedy, and a satirical "take-off" of the Watergat Break In (only at a Convent??? what the Deuce???). Nobody in the theater laughed even once. So painful it ruined my whole evening.


NUMBER 9) TARZAN THE APE Man (1981)

Well, it did have Richard Harris (who can be very good at time; I guess he was simply not drunk enough in most of his scenes) and John Phillip Law whom I also like. So, had they gone in the "high camp" of say, Barbarella, i t may have worked. Two words why this movie is crap: BO and DEREK. The guy behind the counter at your local Kwiki Mart could have acted better. There's also this plastic mannequin named Miles O'keeffe playing Lord Greystoke...like a retarded male model.

NUMBER 8) THE MASTER GUNFIGHTER (1975)

Movies with the word "Master" in their titles always tend to suck! Yeah, Ron O'neal is cool...(the only real redeeming factor in Superfly) but no movie can overcome the "brick" which is Tom Laughlin. Trying to be Billy Jack, only with a Samurai Sword and a brace of 6-guns, this Western was laughably bad. I saw it with my best friend (and loyal follower of this blog) Bookman167, and I think it was so bad he didn't speak to me for a week (just kidding "book")

NUMBER 7) BEYOND THE DOOR (1974)

This is an EXORCIST "rip-off." It has the decent actress Juliet Mills (I loved her in the TV series NANNY & THE PROFESSOR) as the star, the woman who is going to have the Devil's (Paul Anka no doubt) baby. There is nothing wrong with trying and "ape" a great classic like the EXCORCIST if one does it well. This movie's opening 20 to 30 minutes were so stilted, and inane that Bookman167 (yeah, I no doubt was responsible for dragging him to another Piece-O-Crap) actually got up and walked out. So, I don't know how bad it actually got... or how good it may have turned out. This film does seem to be held in a higher regard by Horror Fans than I would have thought. It was the VERY FIRST movie I ever walked out on. That's how bad it was to me at the time.

NUMBER 6) THE SWORD AND THE SORCEROR (1982)

And, this move is the SECOND film I ever go up out of my "paid-for" seat in the theater, AND WALKED OUT ON. Maybe I should have stayed longer for it too has achieved cult status and fond memories by the geek movie loving community. It starred Matt Houston (i.e. Lee Horsley) as the "conan-guy" and a bunch of other people as other people. I had seen Conan, and even with Arnold's mediocre performance, had rather liked it. This turkey couldn't seem to decide if it wanted to be a "straight" action adventure flick, a more light-hearted romantic adventure comedy, or a "piece-o-crap." After about 25 minutes, me and my pal Wes were angry that our intelligences were being assaulted and insulted with sewage and we left to go to a bar where we could kill brain cells our own way!


NUMBER 5) CLERKS (1994)

Here's one where I think you're all going to "turn on the ol' rogue." Now don't misunderstand me... I know that Kevin Smith is universally regarded as the GREATEST THING SINCE QUANTUM PHYSICS...that he is GENIUS! Okay fine. I know CLERKS got a heckuva "buzz" among critics and it is regarded as a masterpiece. I thought it was contrived, over-written, not as clever as it tried to be, and incredibly foul and nasty for no particular purpose other than Smith likes to have characters spouting f-bombs and regaling the audiences with oral-sex crudities. And by way of disclaimer...I have watched and sorta enjoyed: Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back as well as Dogma. But this is just potty-mouth wankery (wankery as the British describe it, if you get my meaning ;) )

NUMBER 4) INSPECTOR GADGET (1999)

I would have walked out on this turd, but for the fact I was with my wife and son on a family movie outing. Even my son was bored and unimpressed. Sure, the BULLWINKLE & ROCKY movie (with the horribly miscast Jason Alexander) sucked... but at least the animated Rocky and Bullwinkle were pretty cool, and fairly faithful to the old cartoons.... but this movie puked all over the animated Inspector Gadget legacy. What killed it? MATTHEW BRODERICK.... this guy just cannot act. He makes Nicholas Cage look like Sir Laurence Olivier. In no scene did it appear that Broderick even wanted to be in this movie. Believe me, this came across on the screen, and very few people wanted to be the theater either. Ferris Bueller... go back to class.

NUMBER 3) MASTER OF DISGUISE (2002)

This was the worst movie I had ever seen, until I remembered (it was a buried and regressed memory that I had laying dormant) #2 below, and until I had seen the #1 choice. I would have ALSO left the movie house 20 minutes into this film had I not taken my son to see it as a Saturday treat.

Dana Carvey owes me 20 dollars (the approximate price of my two tickets) for 80 minutes of lost life and some of the most painful memories any movie has ever subjected me to. How can somebody who was so funny on TV be so unfunny when given a larger canvas? This may be the proverbial "second bannana" supporting star (re: Wayne's World) simply not being good enough to carry the show as a star. It could also be that the script (no laughs at all) was written by stoned existentialists channeling Buddhist aphorisms. Simply horrid.

NUMBER 2) THE NORSEMAN (1978)

Wow... I had totally forgotten the nightmarish experience of having seen this movie in the theater. I (you know what I'm going to say by now) would have gotten up and left but I was on a date. It would have been a self-admission that my choice for the night's entertainment was lame. I had to suck-it-up and watch this movie through the blood and mucous that was pouring out of my eye-balls. Lee Majors is the only actor who can make Tom Laughlin seem charismatic and manic. The movie did not have one actor who appeared to be a real professional actor. There were just some Viking dudes running around in Vineland getting shot up by Native Americans. There was no plot. Just a bunch of untalented fake-actors who were lame Vikings getting shot up by Indians. I'm praying I can now forget this movie again for another 30-plus years.

-- DRUM ROLL PLEASE --

NUMBER 1) STAN HELSING (2009)

Guys and gals... I'm just to tapped out right now and emotionally scarred to tell you much about the horror (and not in good Horror Movie kinda way) that is STAN HELSING. You can always click on my past post wherein I sort of review it (http://theroadsofautumndusk.blogspot.com/search?q=Stan+Helsing )

At least I didn't pay to see this offal. My son had the DVD and we both watched it together. I think had either of us tried a solo-viewing the rogue evolent household would have had a suicide. We tried multiple times to turn off the TV but it was so indescribably bad, that like gawking at a car wreck scene, or staring at a Tod Browing-like FREAK, we couldn't avert our eyes. We had to know just how metaphysically and ontically bad a movie could go...into the infinity of inneptitude. Has anything so bad ever been filmed? No.

Keep watching genre movies my friend... but avoid this

LIST-O-CRAP.